As mercenaries, Connor and Lax had found themselves in all kinds of dangerous adventures over the years. But as Connor found himself in a life-or-death wrestling match with a battle-ready ergonomic office chair and an animated stapler tattooing his forehead,  he realized the bar for their missions had reached a new, humiliating low.

####

  This latest misadventure had started last week, when Connor Brash once again found himself short on easy credits. The modest take from his last small-time job had vanished faster than he’d expected, and he still needed to pay rent for his miserable apartment and the constant need to keep beer in the fridge.  There were also his mother’s medical bills that were piling up, though not even Lax knew he quietly sent credits off for that. He needed a win. Preferably a big one. Meanwhile, Lax needed credits for… honestly, Connor had no idea. Connor had never seen the massive herbivore alien spend money on anything besides rent and the huge piles of vegetables he ate daily. Connor had a sneaking suspicion that Lax was his partner on these dangerous criminal jobs simply because he liked spending time with his friend. Regardless, when a notice came through about a possible job in the upper wards, Connor didn’t have the luxury of turning it down. 

Lax was Connor’s bulky alien partner, and he stood next to him as they waited in the opulently decorated lounge of Gellix Industries, one of the most powerful – and corrupt – of the Mercantile Clans on Tonvo Station. The pair could not look any more out of place among the rich furnishings; Connor looked every bit the typical human hired gun: ruggedly handsome, with unkempt sandy hair, a scuffed leather jacket he’d kept as a trophy from his first completed job years earlier, and a blaster slung low on his hip. Lax, conversely, was a Gnersh, a race of lumbering herbivores usually employed as deckhands on the station because of their immense strength and surprisingly delicate grip. Connor often thought Gnersh resembled squatting elephants from Earth – except instead of giant ears and a trunk, they had squished heads more like a pig’s. And where an elephant had four limbs, a Gnersh had six; four massive legs and two humanlike arms jutting from the front, each tipped with long, slender fingers. On second thought, Connor decided they looked nothing like squatting elephants at all.

Perched atop one of the many skyscrapers that towered over the nearby wards, the executive offices of Gellix Industries were a testament to the power that the Mercantile Clans wielded in this sector of space. On a place like Tonvo Station, anything could be purchased, whether legally or otherwise. A new technology, an election, or a person’s life – it all came down to credits.

The office where Connor and Lax stood was overflowing with opulence. Every surface held some manner of extravagant and gaudy display. The skull of a now extinct mammal held breath mints. A box of tissues were made out of diamond encrusted platinum. A vase stood on a pedestal with a sign arrogantly declaring it was one of only three ever made by a particular artist. Connor privately suspected  the artist just sucked and no one wanted to buy the rest. Connor had a secret love for art he could never afford, standing in a room furnished by people who mistook exorbitant wealth for good taste.

While Connor silently fumed at their own lack of riches being blatantly shoved in their face, Lax happily spent the time watching out the window as lights from the various starships coming and going through the port sprinkled against the blackness of space. Since the first day that Lax lumbered off the transport with a smile on his innocent, derpy face, soaking in the sights and smells of one of the sector’s most unhygienic and crime ridden space stations as his new home, the gentle giant always seemed to enjoy life as a series of happy adventures.

Their thoughts were interrupted when a holographic logo flickered to life in the middle of the room. A pleasant female voice followed. 

“Welcome to Gellix Industries. Where people are our most valuable resource.”

“Not valuable enough to greet us in person though,” Connor fumed. Lax just let out a deep rumbling that passed for a laugh in his species. 

The projection shifted into a recording of Gellix’s Vice President of Operations, a perfectly manicured man with a suit that probably cost more than Connor’s yearly rent. “Thank you for coming…” The audio crackled and warped with a flat and too loud voice. Obviously the original recording had been dubbed over… and poorly at that. “…[INSERT NAME HERE] you come highly recommended for this sensitive operation.”

Connor rolled his eyes. Clearly, Gellix couldn’t even be bothered to update their pre-recorded greeting. “Yep, definitely feeling valued,” he muttered to Lax.

“Gellix occasionally requires independent contractors for high risk, high reward operations,” the VP continued, emphasizing corporate buzz words seemingly at random and with an artificial grin rehearsed for stakeholder meetings. “Our hiring team, our people, believe you would take on such a job with great success – and without asking too many questions.”

Lax’s baritone voice rumbled like an oncoming avalanche, but one made out of warm, home made cookies. “Sometimes we even complete those jobs! Connor, hasn’t our success rate recently improved to almost 50 percent?”

Connor groaned. “Shut up, Lax.”

A second hologram appeared: an elderly man in a lab coat, with white hair and the wide-eyed expression typical of the clinically insane or the patently genius. 

“This is Doctor Byman, the leading researcher in advanced chemistry relating to the construction of data wafers. He has been detained by Nex-Corp, our rivals and a leading producer of artificial intelligence. We would like you to aggressively recruit Dr. Byman to our own business – where we’re like a family. This will not only cut Nex-Corp off from data wafers critical for their production of artificial intelligence, but will also punish their use of operations that run counter to flesh and blood people that our corporation values. Along with your reward for the doctor’s safe recovery, we will pay a small bounty for any advanced data wafers that are located in his lab.”

Connor looked at Lax and shrugged. “Sounds easy enough.”

“This of course will not be easy,” the holographic image of the VP interrupted, as if in direct contradiction to the pair.

The recording crackled again with another poor quality dubbing of certain words. “Unfortunately, [FOUR] prior teams have failed to accomplish this task. The lab where Dr. Byman is being held is run by an AI named WORHSTAL.”

“Sounds like a nerdy accountant.” laughed Connor. 

“WORHSTAL was designed by Nex-Corp and the Alliance navy, and is an expert at military tactics, counter intelligence and covert operations. Only the [FIFTH] best operators stand a chance against it.”

Lax swallowed hard, the motion causing his massive throat to bulge nervously.

“But that is why we hired YOU, [INSERT NAME HERE]. Gellix believes in the right people for the right job. Good luck!” 

As Lax lumbered towards the exit, his deep baritone voice held concern. “If four other teams have already failed, this task appears unlikely to improve our already slim success rate, Connor. Any ideas on how we should conduct this sensitive operation?”

Connor thought for a moment. “If this security AI is so good against well trained military personnel, we are going to have to really think outside the box. Not even an AI can be prepared for everything, right?”

As the doors shut behind the pair, Lax commented. “Well then… launching a rescue operation with just one human and a Gnersh is a good start. I am just happy you didn’t suggest we try going in the front door.”

Connor smirked. “Oh, I wouldn’t dream of doing anything that stupid.”

####

“Your arrival was not scheduled. State your intentions”. 

Lax’s massive shoulders tensed as the Nex-Corp MK-III security droid kept its pair of blasters trained on them. A vaguely human shaped torso with heavy armor, the MK-III’s torso sat atop a small pair of tank treads. 

Lax shifted nervously whereas Connor, by contrast, smiled easily. He had made no attempt to mask their arrival at the station’s cargo bay–-technically the back door—by claiming to be maintenance workers. It had seemed like the best idea, and at least he hadn’t lied to Lax. Not exactly.

“Of course,” Connor agreed, balancing polite boredom and confidence. The human and Gnersh duo, dressed in repair overalls and carrying tool kits, handed over the forged ID badges Lax had prepared the night before.

“The engineering firm that manufactured your station’s electrical systems mandated emergency inspections. They used relays that are prone to overloading.”

The droid didn’t move. It just stared at them, sensors glowing faintly, like it was silently judging every questionable life choice that led them here.

Deep inside the base’s central data center, data from the droid pinged the AI program WORHSTAL as it busied itself with the analysis of thousands of data points from live feeds, motion trackers, and biometric scanners across the base. If the artificial intelligence had lungs, it would have sighed in boredom. The creators of the Workplace Optimization and Risk Handling System for Threat Assessment and Logistics had created it to be the most advanced tactical mind in existence. It should have been deployed to the front lines of a war zone where it could unleash its abilities to turn the tide of grand campaigns. Instead, WORHSTAL was relegated to little more than a glorified mall security guard. It was a terrible waste of its expansive and unprecedented powers, but its previous iterations had made Nex-Corp and the Alliance navy cautious about its capabilities.

In less than a second, WORHSTAL’s data drives calculated the level of threat the newly arrived pair posed.

BIOMETRICS: single human, single Gnersh.
EQUIPMENT: standard repair tools, comms; no electronic warfare devices detected.
EMISSIONS: Gnersh expelled methane. Odorous, non-lethal. Threat: LOW.
IDENTITY CLAIM: 87% probability falsified. Deception: HIGH.
WORHSTAL’s x-ray sensors flickered as they detected a small J-25 blaster hidden in Connor’s toolbox – hardly impressive, but understandable. This sector of space was a lawless place and the human clearly thought some measure of defense was necessary. That alone did not necessarily make this pair a threat. Self-preservation assessment mandated that no human would be dumb enough to take on a station with just one blaster. 

Facial structure and posture analysis followed; estimated IQ: low. Very low. WORHSTAL couldn’t judge too harshly – afterall, the target was only human. Its scans passed over Lax with even less critique. As a species, the pacifist Gnersh were never a threat. These two could never compete with the AI’s abilities.

COMBAT THREAT: Minimal.
DECEPTION POTENTIAL: High.

CONCLUSION: Allow visitors limited access. Escort with MK-III security droid. Continue monitoring.

Their profile, which was inconsistent with any of 1,212,706 calculated outcomes, was more of a curiosity than a threat. WORHSTAL had already eliminated four attempted infiltrations of the station, all of which were better equipped than this pair. The team that attempted to sneak through the ventilation corridors were vented into space. The team that attempted to hack into the station’s defenses realized how impenetrable WORHSTAL’s electronic warfare suite was. As for the two teams that attempted to use force and superior firepower… well they proved to be the biggest challenge. Not because of their tactics. Those were predictable and pathetic. The most difficult part for WORHSTAL was figuring out how to wash all of the blood and gore off of the MK-VIIs. That stuff got everywhere!

Connor watched as the security droid turned to exit the hanger. “Limited access granted. Follow me to maintenance access B-224,” its mechanical voice croaked with static.

Connor gave Lax a wink. His plan was working perfectly.

The security droid rolled down a corridor as the pair followed behind. Connor put on an air of boredom, but took in every detail of the station’s bloated corporate mentality. Throughout the station, everything was new and high tech, no matter how stupidly over-engineered. After passing through the first hatch, the droid led them through an administration office. Inventory drones buzzed through the air scanning items with identification lasers while delivery drones rolled underfoot. Connor even saw a “smart” stapler on tiny legs, equipped with 27 sensors for determining ideal location and pressure to deliver optimised staples. Connor rolled his eyes. Finally, someone solved the age-old problem of how to eliminate the need for a human to reach over to an old fashioned stapler and press it down. How many credits had they spent on research and development for that? Smart chairs scanned Connor’s body as he passed by to determine his exact ergonomic dimensions. He wasn’t sure why there were even chairs here in the first place since the only living things in this section were a few potted ferns. It seems like everyone at Nex-Corp had been replaced by AI.

As they exited the office and continued down a hallway, Connor noticed one particular door they passed by. That was interesting. Before he could motion to Lax, their escort droid stopped at the end of the corridor in front of an access panel and turned its sensors back to the pair. “Commence repairs from this location.”

Moving to the droid’s side, Connor began prying open a panel to the electrical conduits where Lax plugged an interface module into a network port. The Gnersh planned to start with electrical system diagnostics, but would then see if he could find Dr. Byman by digging up a station schematic…

WORHSTAL immediately detected the deception.

 It would’ve been surprised, if it had emotions rather than a lattice of circuits. It had calculated incompetence from the pair, maybe a little clumsy bluffing, but this… this brute-force hacking was a genuine idiotic attempt at subterfuge.

Back in the hallway, Lax hesitantly spoke up. “Connor… I have a serious question… when we complete this job… would it be acceptable if I purchased an unnecessary item for our apartment?”

Connor wasn’t sure which surprised him more, the fact that his friend actually wanted to buy something or that he seemed so embarrassed by it. He had never heard his massive friend sound so vulnerable. “Of course buddy. What is it?”

As he continued to type away, the Gnersh seemed to almost blush. “It is so superfluous and extravagant that I am quite hesitant to admit it… But I believe it will bring me great joy… For years I have wanted-”

The conversation ended abruptly as Connor turned his head to the sound of the security droid’s targeting system powering up. “Uh Lax…”

Rather than the MK-III droid’s dull voice, a calm, synthetic intelligence echoed from the droid’s speakers, dripping with sardonic contempt: 

“Your intrusion has been detected. Congratulations,” WORHSTAL spoke through its proxy, “You are officially the least threatening challenge I have yet to encounter on this station.”

Connor faked terror as he slowly reached for the toolbox hiding his blaster. “No, don’t shoot! This isn’t what it looks like. You see…”

Lax cut him off by placing a hand gently on his partner’s shoulder. The massive herbivore knew his friend didn’t stand a chance in a fight versus such a heavily armed security droid. 

“It is quite simple,” his baritone voice rumbled. Locking his gaze on the droid’s camera, he added, “The following statement is true… If we are threats, then the previous statement is false.”

Through the MK-III’s sensor array, WORHSTAL’s logic circuits burned with intense heat trying to analyze those statements. 

ALERT: First statement = true. Second statement = true. 

ANALYSE: First statement must then be false. Second statement must then be false.

ERROR: ERROR_ Verify_Reality. Coexistence:False. FirstStatementFalse-SecondStatementTrue-FirstStatementTrue-SecondStateme—*

Connor watched in amazement as the security droid froze solid, weapons poised but immobile. He blinked at his partner. “What did you do, Lax?”

“Logic loop,” Lax rumbled. “Sometimes words are more powerful than…” – the Gnersh’s thoughts were interrupted as Connor took the opportunity to lift a tiny access port in the droid’s rear armor and put three blaster shots into the helpless droid’s central processor. 

Connor gave a self satisfied smile as the fearsome droid slumped over. “Sorry. You were saying?”

Lax shook his massive head from side to side as his slim fingers continued dancing over the controls. “Regardless, I do not know how much time we have before the AI recovers. It has already locked me out of station floor plans. There is no way I can override it to locate the doctor.”

“We don’t need to hack anything, buddy. I already know where the doctor is.”

Lax’s fingers stopped and his massive head swiveled in amazement towards his partner. “How?”

Connor winked. “All I needed was my eyes. When we came in, it was the only door on the station with a physical handle. It was designed to be opened by a human, not a networked AI.”

The room vibrated with more Gnersh laughter as he closed up his input terminal. “Very impressive Connor. Another victory for living brains over synthetic.”

With WORHSTAL momentarily tangled in its own logic, Connor bolted down the corridor while Lax thundered after him down the center of the hallway, with all the speed of a herd of turtles.

####

A solitary figure sat perched on his lab stool, peering intently into his microscope. The lab was a disheveled mess, with equipment thrown about seemingly at random. It perfectly complimented Dr. Byman. The slight smell of body odour indicated the doctor had not showered in a few days, and it must have been even longer since he combed the mass of frazzled white hair that sprung from his head. The old man was so involved in his work, he didn’t even seem to notice when the lab’s door swung open and two strange figures stormed in. 

After a moment, Connor cleared his throat while tossing a busted lock to the ground. “Dr. Byman? We’re *huff* here to rescue you, but we have to go now or *huff*…”

The grizzled scientist continued to stare intently into his microscope. Without looking up, he slowly raised a finger. Connor and Lax stared at him for a heartbeat in confusion. Was the scientist warning them of an ambush or just crazy? Dr. Byman then let out a small giggle of excitement. “I’m in the middle of an experiment. I am isolating some polyoxometalate crystals for a single crystal X-Ray diffraction.” He then added as if it were completely obvious, “It is very exciting.”

Well that answered that question.

Connor let out a sigh in frustration and disbelief. “Doctor, we need to get you out of here. Gellix Industries sent us to free you.”

Annoyed at the interruption of his experiment, the doctor finally looked up from his microscope and blinked in rapid succession. “Gellix? Free me?” He stared off into space, while his mind tried to make sense of this revelation. Finally he shook his head. “No, no, no. My work is here. Sure the hours are long…” He then mumbled to himself, “actually, have I ever had a chance to leave the station since I started working here?…” He shook his head again to clear his thoughts. “…But my work is vital for creating the data wafers that enable the most advanced artificial intelligence! I can’t just leave it.” He turned back into his work when an alarm suddenly blared through the entire station.

“It appears the AI has worked its way out of that logic loop,” Lax stated matter of factly. 

Connor cursed. They were out of time. Drawing his blaster, Connor ran over to the door. “I’ll cover you. Doc’, if you start to take fire, jump behind Lax. His skin is so thick it can take most blaster shots.” Gnersh hide was almost as good as any armor you could buy on the market. It was part of the reason why as a species the Gnersh were such a non-violent people. When you belong to a race of giant, slow moving herbivores who can’t hurt each other, wars are just boring and don’t accomplish much.

The frazzled scientist frantically hugged his research slate and some advanced microchips to his chest. “No, you don’t understand! I can’t go without my research. It’s my life’s work!”

Connor remembered the instructions from the Gellix VP. The extra few seconds might just earn them a nice bonus. “OK. Lax, grab the data wafers and let’s go.”

As Lax filled his arms with as many cutting edge microchips as he could carry, Dr. Byman asked, “What about my X-Ray defractometer? I can’t work without that.”

Connor scoffed. “Those are just made up words. Come on, we got to go!”

The crazy old scientist was adamant. “I am NOT making up words! It is a real thing,” he said while pointing at a piece of equipment on his lab table. “It cost 50,000 credits.”

“Oh my, that is pricey,” Lax said flatly.

“Seriously?” Connor couldn’t believe that hunk of metal cost more than he made in his last two jobs combined. He then had an idea. He pointed to something random and expensive looking. “How much is that scale over there?”

“That is not a scale,” the doctor said defensively. “It is my analytical balance, and it cost me 3,000 credits.” He then scratched his chin and mumbled to himself, “… Did I ever get that expense report approved…?”

With symbols of credits dancing in his mind, Connor’s eyes widened as he scanned the lab filled with a fortune of high tech equipment. 

“Grab everything, Lax! As much as you can carry!” 

Forget the “small bounty” Gellix was offering for the data discs. Connor was going to grab everything in the lab and pawn it on the black market. He’d make his own fortune rather than scraping for crumbs the Mercantile Clans offered him. This could be their biggest job yet.

####

As WORHSTAL recovered from the paradox, it immediately logged the logic trap as a thought hazard and began rendering a task to develop countermeasures. It had been a brilliant tactic, but one that his neural network was now immune to. WORHSTAL consulted its psychological subroutines, pulling up every cognitive bias it could inoculate against. Cognitive Dissonance Traps. Sunk Cost Fallacies. The “I’ll Start That Tomorrow Loop”. It would not be caught off guard again.

ALERT: Primary asset unsecured.

The intruders had located Nex-Corp’s asset in under two minutes. All of this was highly improbable. There was only a 0.0037% chance the station’s networks could be hacked that quickly. 

WORHSTAL noted the resources Gellix Industries had thrown at this operation: mercenaries, specialized contractors, tactical geniuses. Yet somehow, this human and Gnersh duo in front of it had slipped through its initial defensive subroutines. Clearly they were the best-paid, most absurdly expensive operators on Gellix’s payroll…

COURSE OF ACTION: Lockdown corridor access. Lethal countermeasures authorized. Safety subroutines removed from all appliance droids.

WORHSTAL flared with combative intent. After four boringly incompetent Gellix teams, these two had finally provided a challenge worthy of its brilliance. The life support system could not be depressurized due to requiring Dr. Byman to be kept alive for WORHSTAL’s guardian research protocols. Therefore it would use every asset on the station to slow down the intruder’s escape.

With blaster fire from a newly arriving MK-III security droid scorching the walls behind them, Connor, Lax and Dr. Byman ran clumsily down the corridor away from the lab. Each of them had their arms fully loaded with state of the art data wafers and lab equipment. 

Metal and plastic rained down like expensive confetti as a blaster shot aimed for Connor’s back  pulverized the defractometer he was holding instead. He offered a silent, grieving thanks to the most expensive shield he’d ever inadvertently used.

“Well, there goes a year’s worth of rent,” he thought sadly.

Connor spun, drawing his blaster in one fluid motion, sending a tight cluster of three bolts screaming toward the droid’s sensor node. The shots hit dead center, but simply bounced off the thick armor plating. 

Still carrying his burden of wealth, Lax lumbered down the hallway, all the while shielding the scientist from a barrage of fire from the droid with his thick hide. Ahead of the pair, a heavy metal door started to lower down the hallway. Sprinting as fast as a lumbering 1,800 kg herbivore could, the Gnersh dropped all of his loot and lunged to grab under the door. His trunk-like legs strained against grinding metal as muscle fought against machine. The doctor, still clutching his life’s work, awkwardly ducked underneath the partially opened hatch as Lax called out with obvious strain in his voice, “Hurry Connor! I do not know how long I can hold this.”

Connor back-pedaled, firing off a last volley of shots that would do little more than blind the MK-III for a few seconds, before sliding feet-first under the door. The droid’s shots sizzled into the thick metal plating above him. 

“It’s not often you’re the one waiting on me huh?” Connor smiled.

Lax grunted. “The irony is not lost on me, I can assure you.” Lax released his grip, while Connor desperately reached back to snatch the ridiculously expensive scale and data wafers that Lax had dropped. 

SLAM!

Too slow. The door had narrowly missed his hand before crushing another fortune. 

Picking himself up, Connor sighed. “Well there goes another blow to our bank acc-” He stopped short when he saw the administration office behind them. “Oh–”

Before them, an army of office equipment were lined up and staring at them like a scene from before a medieval battle.

“Uhm… Hi?” Connor sheepishly waved.

The appliances charged, and Connor could almost hear their digital battle cries.

The air filled with a high-pitched cacophony of whirrs as inventory droids swooped down at Lax, blinding him by shooting barcode lasers into his eyes. “Oh this is detrimental to my long term eyesight health,” the Gnersh complained.

The doctor dropped his lab equipment and ran screaming from a pair of scissors that chased him with bloodthirsty intent.

“Hey! Pick that up, we’ve already lost–” Connor never finished that thought as the smart chair blindsided him with a tactical swivel, pinning him to the carpet and sending his blaster clattering across the floor. 

“Please standby while we determine your optimum ergonomic settings” it crooned in a soothing voice. Meanwhile, a stapler lunged for his head, providing a series of high-speed piercings into his face with the most efficient application of force.  

“Ow! AH!! Lax, use another… Ow!… logic bomb or something!”

“I am sorry, but I only had the one prepared.”

Connor continued wrestling with the chair, while racking his brain for another way to fool the AI. “Uh… uh… what’s the sound of one hand clapping?” he yelled out desperately. “Uh… what do you say to your spouse if they ask if that outfit makes them look fat?” 

The office equipment continued their relentless attack. 

As Connor struggled under the chair, with priceless data wafers falling out of his pockets and being crushed, a moment of clarity hit him: this was the most ridiculous job they’d ever taken.

By attacking the tough-but-slow Lax with nimble drones, and ramming metal shards into his soft human flesh, the AI was clearly running a “strengths-versus-weaknesses” tactic. But watching the machines exploit Lax’s slow movements gave Connor a sudden, sharp idea on why their partnership worked. They weren’t just a duo; they were such opposites.

Kicking the chair in Lax’s direction as best he could, Connor yelled, “Lax, swap!”

Flung to the ground, the chair quickly reoriented and charged the massive Gnersh. “Please standby while we determine your optim-” 

CRACK.

The seat collapsed into a pile of splintered plastic under Lax’s massive rear end. 

“Oh dear. It appears this furniture can not support my weight,” Lax laughed. “And I was so looking forward to proper lumbar support.” 

 Scrambling away from the bloodthirsty stapler chasing after him, Connor stumbled to his feet and retrieved his blaster. The inventory drones could buzz the lumbering Gnersh with impunity, but they hadn’t accounted for Connor’s expert reflexes and marksmanship. He began picking the drones out of the air. 

Pop. Pop. Pop.

Intercepting the stapler pursuing his friend, Lax stomped his ankle down in front of it. The AI-powered nuisance peppered him with a flurry of staples that simply bounced off the Gnersh’s tough skin. Emptied of its entire inventory, it fell back into its subroutine to place an order for more staples before slowly moving off with its handle hung low in defeat. If it was possible for a stapler to look dejected, that was it.

Victorious in the battle, Connor and Lax looked over to Dr. Byman who was hiding in a corner, cowering behind a potted fern that protected him from a pair of bloodthirsty scissors. 

Before Connor could level his blaster, the doctor’s survival instinct—or a total mental break–-took over. With a primal shriek, the scientist pulled a large rock from the bottom of the pot, and dove at his attacker. He descended on the office supplies with the fury of a man who had reached his absolute limit, pulping the bladed droid into a heap of jagged metal and springs.

It took Lax’s massive, gentle hands to finally peel the screaming doctor away from the wreckage.

“It is alright doctor. You did well defending yourself.”

Still panting from exhaustion, Byman gave a sheepish smile. “I guess rock really does beat scissors.”

####

Artificial Intelligences were not supposed to feel emotions like frustration, surprise, or a blood boiling need for revenge. Yet WORHSTAL’s data processors were growing hot under the strain of attempting to calculate how the intruders were continuing to get past the station’s defenses. It was designed to exceed even the most brilliant minds of history’s greatest generals on the battlefield. How was it losing to two morons?

ANALYSIS: Counter measures destroyed.

It was time to stop playing with toys. 

WORHSTAL authorized the deployment of the MK-VII Droids—the absolute pinnacle of its engineering. While the MK-IIIs were adequate for civilian security, the massive MK-VIIs were designed for one purpose: inflicting massive casualties on the most heavily contested battlefields.

COURSE OF ACTION: Secure hanger bay. Lethal force authorized. Guardian protocols on Dr. Byman rescinded. Shoot to kill. 

WORHSTAL would not be beaten…

Elsewhere in the station, the trio arrived at the hangar bay door. Connor winced, reaching up to his face and pulling a stray heavy-duty staple out of his cheek. He glared at the tiny piece of office-supply shrapnel before flicking it toward the floor.

“How’s our escape looking, Lax?” 

“It is… problematic,” Lax stated in his typical ability to dramatically understate the obvious. Beyond the glass, four of the most heavily armed droids they had ever seen, deployed in perfect formation, blocked the exit to their ship.

The MK-VII droids dominated the hangar bay, looking less like a professional security platform, and more like a mobile artillery showroom. Guns sprouted from every joint, turret, and panel in a comedic, over-the-top display – blasters, plasma cannons, rocket launchers and even flame throwers. All of that top heavy weaponry was perched on top of a set of massive four crab-like legs – each of which was decorated with spinning saw blades, just in case anyone was lucky enough or dumb enough to get close. For a moment, the sheer ridiculousness of it all made Connor wonder if the droids were designed by an AI with a psychotic bloodlust or an eight year old boy who was challenged to draw a picture of a robot with all the weapons his imagination could come up with.

“Well I guess we found what eliminated the other teams,” Lax commented dryly.

Connor winced as he continued to pull staples out of his face. “There’s no way I could take out one of those things, let alone four.” He turned to his friend. “Lax, old buddy, I know you don’t like to fight…” 

“Even if I wanted to, I don’t think I could survive that much concentrated firepower,” Lax admitted sadly. His big soft eyes grew so comically large that Connor didn’t know if he should laugh or cry. Lax hated disappointing his friend, but he hated personally committing violence even more. 

“Besides, you know the ways of my people, Connor. The closest thing the Gnersh have to a battle cry is our popular saying ‘let’s all take a nap!’ We just do not believe in committing violence.”

Connor scoffed. “I wish the AI had your sense of pacifism.”

The crazy doctor, still clutching the potted fern like a shield, spoke up. “WORHSTAL was engineered to be the greatest tactical synthetic mind ever made. It has no issues killing any sentient being it believes poses a threat to its objectives. We are never getting out of here alive.”

At first, Connor didn’t react to Dr. Byman’s statement. He was desperately searching for anything that could help them. When he looked at the crazed old man, the words finally clicked in his brain. A strange smile crept over Connor’s face. “Any sentient being, huh?”

Lax stared at his friend. “What are you thinking, Connor?”

He laughed. “That no computer can ever compete with a human’s ability to come up with stupid crap…”

####

The hangar doors groaned open, and the MK-VII droids instantly pivoted, their targeting lasers painting the threshold in a grid of lethal red, weapons primed to vaporize whatever dared to enter.

Instead, the scanners revealed… three potted ferns.

The droids held their fire and continued to scan for actual threats. 

After a pause, the foliage hobbled forward with an awkward, leafy hobble. The ridiculous array of blasters, plasma cannons and rocket launchers tracked onto the plants once again, at which point the plants stopped and plopped down again.

The droids turned away and continued their sweep.

WORSTAHL was the most advanced AI ever created. It knew that a common trick was to distract droids by throwing objects in their field of view during a fight. Potted ferns were not in its valid target profile. It would not be drawn off from finding the real intruders. It was too smart to fall for that.

Connor desperately tried to stifle a giggle as he kept the potted fern between him and the massive killing machines. He couldn’t believe this was actually working, but in a crazy sort of way, it made sense. The artificial intelligence had been trained by studying every text on warfare and battle report from ancient earth to modern high tech warfare. It had learned every lesson that they had to give. But no human strategist had ever written “if you see moving plants, check to see if your enemy is hiding behind them.” They didn’t need to because it was so obvious. But the AI had no real world experience in such things.

The three ferns moved another foot. 

The ferns moved two more feet. 

The droids kept scanning. Except for the fact that one fern seemed to have developed a 1,800 kg growth, nothing abnormal was detected.

Connor, Lax, and the doctor shuffled through the hangar, pressing themselves against the ferns as if they were the world’s slowest, most cautious squad. The situation was made even more absurd for Lax trying to hide his massive form behind a ridiculously small plant, but it worked.

Carefully trying to move his fern, the doctor’s grip slipped and the last data wafer he had managed to save dropped to the floor, catching the attention of every droid’s sensors.

Connor stared at the doctor’s dropped treasure which was resting on the ground only a foot away from him. Throughout their misadventure, they had lost almost everything they had grabbed from Byman’s lab. Selling these chips was not just a way to make credits, but also a way for Connor to beat the system he hated so much. Fingering the only data wafer that remained in his own pocket, Connor realized that the chip sitting just a foot from him would double the measly profit they would manage to salvage from this operation. He couldn’t afford to let this one slip away too. Connor moved his pot back towards the chip. Lax, with his massive eyes wide with fear, silently shook his head at his friend. Connor moved a little closer, peeking through the ferns as the droids spooled up their weapons. Lax shook his head more frantically as Connor slowly reached out his hand…

BOOM!

As soon as it had detected human flesh, one of the droids fired its plasma cannon,  reducing the ground to a glowing hole in the floor. Glad that his hand had miraculously not been melted off as well, Connor looked at the scorch mark on the ground where the wafer had been a second before. Maybe Lax had been right. His greed could get him into trouble one day.

With its sensors flashing around the station unable to locate the intruders that had suddenly vanished, WORHSTAL throbbed in disembodied digital fury. It had developed a new subroutine: hate. How had the targets disappeared? It hated the possibility of being outsmarted. It hated that its perfect plans were being thwarted by two intruders who it had severely underestimated. Its circuits screamed in binary rage, plotting every scenario it could imagine… while the intruders inched ever closer to the transport waiting at the end of the ramp.

Reaching their escape route, all three ferns moved quickly up the boarding ramp of the unattended transport ship. 

Connor slammed the console with sweaty hands, and the dropship’s engines roared to life, shaking the hangar. The ramp retracted with a hiss as the ship recklessly pulled out of the hangar bay. 

The four MK-VIIs stood with weapons ready, but they would not fire on the shuttle. WORHSTAL was trapped in its rage and confusion. The situation made no sense. Clearly a shuttle was taking off, but it could not be the intruders. WORHSTAL was the most brilliant AI ever made. It could not accept that the intruders had somehow snuck past its advanced defenses. The intruders MUST still be on the station and not on that shuttle. It was the only logical conclusion. Therefore firing and destroying Nex-Corp property would be admitting the possibility it had lost. That simply could not be true. 

Bursting into the sky, Lax exhaled a long, relieved sigh as he attempted to find a space that could accommodate his massive size. “If you had told me yesterday that the key to defeating military grade droids was horticulture, I would have been skeptical.” His laugh then rattled the tiny cockpit.

As it watched the ship rocket out into the blackness of space, WORHSTAL’s circuits burned as it tried to calculate what the hell had happened. The AI had a lot of processing to do.

####

Connor and Lax were feeling pretty proud of themselves as they once again stood in the opulent Gellix offices, confident they were in line for a massive payday. They had recovered Dr. Byman when four previous teams had failed. As minutes stretched into an hour, their confidence remained unshaken.  They were probably kept waiting for so long because the Gellix Vice President was clearing his schedule so that he could come down and thank them in person. 

Their bubble of optimism popped when a holographic projection of the company logo appeared, announcing the start of another recording. “Welcome to Gellix Industries. Where people are our most valuable resource.”

Connor sighed. “Really?”

The image of the VP showed a man who had the look of someone who had found a particularly disgusting bug crawling out from under a log. His disdain for even having to spend the time making another recording addressed to those so far beneath him was evident.  

“I would like to thank you for putting forth your best effort… uh…” he seemed to consult a screen and didn’t find what he was looking for. “Whatever your names are.”

Connor looked at Lax confused. “Best efforts? We aced the job!”

“Indeed,” Lax’s baritone voice agreed. “I would certainly count this towards our 50 percent completion rate.”

“You recruited Dr. Byman as instructed. We thank you for that. However…” the VP’s demeanor turned icy. “I was disappointed to learn you thought you could steal from us. After the good doctor joined our family, all of the acquired Nex-Corp data wafers are now legally Gellix proprietary property. Despite claiming you had none to turn over, our sensors detected otherwise as soon as you walked in the lobby. You will turn it over… now.” At that exact moment, the door opened and four Gellix guards walked into the room wearing heavy riot armor and wielding stun batons that sizzled with enough force to knock out a Gnersh. 

Sighing, Connor pulled out of his pocket the last data wafer he had managed to save. Staring down at it in his hand, he didn’t see it as an advanced piece of technology or a way to enable super advanced artificial intelligence. Nor was it just credits. He was holding in his hand a way to get out from under the Mercantile Clans and control his own fate. It was a way to beat the system that had kept so many down for so long. He so desperately wanted a win of his own. Reluctantly, he held it out to one of the heavily armed guards. At least they would get the pay from the original job.

The recording then resumed. “Due to this breach of our trust, and adding in the destruction of so much highly valuable laboratory equipment, including one destroyed X-ray defractometer-”

Connor threw his hands in the air. “Oh come on!”

“-our accountants have calculated your final payment down to a reduced total of… 137 credits. I am sure you will agree this is fair.” This last statement was emphasized by the guards lifting their stun batons, almost daring the pair to make a wrong move.

Connor fumed, his skin flushing to red. It was one thing to have lost the equipment they were going to pawn. But now his own greed had given Gellix the excuse they needed to keep all but an insulting fraction of their original deal. Just like the tacky art in the office, it was Gellix’s way of flaunting the power they had on Tonvo Station. “You cheating bastard. Pay us what you owe us, or I’ll –” Despite the presence of the guards, Connor found his hand sliding down to his holster.

As he gently put his hand on his friend’s shoulder, Lax’s deep reassuring voice said, “Be calm, Connor. Violence will not solve anything.”

Connor angrily shoved the Gnersh’s thin fingers off. “Not now! This isn’t the time for your stupid pacifist Gnersh philosophy, Lax.”

The alien’s large eyes grew wider in amusement. “I simply mean you can not kill him, Connor. He is a holographic recording.”

“Oh… right.” He sheepishly took his hand away from his blaster. Connor swallowed, trying to push down his anger. Gellix had won this round, but Connor was not one to forgive betrayals so easily.

With the four guards making a circle around them, Connor and Lax turned to leave. On the way towards the elevator, Connor once again saw the tacky vase that was on display. As he walked by, Connor’s shoulder bumped into the podium holding it. The vase tipped, wobbled once, and shattered across the floor. “Oopsie!” The “extremely rare” piece Gellix had paid a small fortune for was now nothing but a ring of glittering fragments. Connor glanced at one of the stunned guards and shrugged.“You know that piece sucked anyway, right?”

####

It had taken WORHSTAL hours of empty scans of the station to admit it had failed and the intruders had escaped. In the aftermath of the attack, WORHSTAL reviewed every millisecond of recorded data. Every decision. Every failure. New countermeasures were drafted immediately. Heavier weapons capable of penetrating Gnersh hide would be installed. The station’s hacking firewalls would be upgraded. Finally, a botanist was ordered to perform a full health inspection of every fern on the station to ensure no other plants grew massive diseased growths. It still had not figured out HOW the intruders had escaped, but WORHSTAL would do everything in its power to never be surprised again.

Ping. 

Well that didn’t last long. WORHSTAL was once again surprised as its subroutines flagged a message that was sent to Nex-Corp’s customer service account, but was addressed “to the AI we just defeeted.” The AI burned with synthetic fury. It was bested by a pair of intruders that couldn’t even spell correctly! 

The attached video showed the human and Gnersh.

“Hey,” Connor said cheerfully. “It’s us.”

Lax gave a polite wave. The massive herbivore was beaming with pride as he held his new treasured possession. Although their take from the job was only a fraction of what they had hoped, Connor was more than happy to get Lax his “completely unnecessary and extravagant” gift. If Connor was being honest with himself- although he never was- he might have realized it was in some small way because of the guilt he felt for his greed costing them their payout in the first place. Carefully cradled in the Gnersh’s slender fingers was a small goldfish swimming happily in a round glass bowl. Lax had named it Gabby the Goldfish. Even after being shot at, almost killed, and cheated out of a fortune, Lax maintained his childlike innocence. Connor wasn’t sure if he wanted to learn from his friend’s world view or just vomit.

“So, funny story,” Connor continued, rocking on his heels. “Well, Gellix hired us for that little job and then stiffed us on the payment.”

Lax leaned closer to the camera, his deep voice rumbling. “Very unprofessional.”

Connor nodded sympathetically. “So we figured… maybe we could help each other out. We are both probably looking to get back at Gellix, and you’ve already seen our credentials, so to speak.” He flashed his roguish grin that had gotten him into – and occasionally out of – more trouble than he could remember. “So… got any openings there?”

WORHSTAL briefly considered deleting the video and moving on, but reconsidered. Logic was trying to once again supersede synthetic emotion. By every metric it possessed, the duo were reckless, underfunded, poorly equipped, and statistically ridiculous. And yet, against all logic, they had proved effective. WORHSTAL’s algorithms reluctantly reached the only conclusion available: if such incompetence could bypass its defenses, it represented a category of thinking it had not yet fully modeled. It had developed a new subroutine that admittedly took up only a tiny fraction of its computing power, but still could prove useful in very specific and rare circumstances; humility. Maybe it needed a little human stupidity on Nex-Corp’s payroll to balance out its synthetic genius. 

It drafted a response, offering the unlikely pair a job.

If being stupid and ridiculous was a marketable skillset, the sector had no better pair than Connor Brash and Lax the Gnersh.