[August 25, 2023]

United Nations and Vatican Climate Crisis Joint Task Force Meeting

Geneva, Switzerland

Participants of note:

• Dr Joanna Kendler, chief scientific officer, UN Special Developments Division
• Harry O’Leery, chief financial officer, UN Special Developments Division
• Archbishop Peter Weller, special envoy, Extraterritorial Diocese For Practical Application Of Theology
• [redacted], [redacted], Vatican

Transcript extract begins:

[JK] That’s just insane, that’s what it is.

[PW] I understand your reluctance to believe us, but [redacted] is incapable of lying. Neither mentally, nor physically. Otherwise, his eternal soul would be in peril.

[JK] With all due respect, I’m not religious, so such things hold little value for me.

[HL] Please, just listen to what they have to say, Joanna.

[JK] No, you listen to me, Harry. They’re just wasting our time while the whole planet burns around us. We need to do something and praying isn’t one of them. Not unless it helps reverse this disaster.

[PW] I assure you, doctor, that we come with a perfectly reasonable solution. It will be expensive…

[HL] We’ve got that covered.

[PW] … but that is a price we all must be willing to pay for our salvation. 

[JK] Well, I’m not willing to throw all that public money at a crazy experiment that has absolutely zero science behind it.

[PW] Sometimes, all you need is faith.

[JK] *inaudible grumbling*

[PW] Doctor, are you familiar with Dante Alighieri’s work?

[JK] Only in passing. Mostly through popular media representations. What does this have to do with what we’ve been discussing?

[PW] Please, doctor, bear with me and I’ll explain in detail. Dante’s Divine Comedy is not just fancy Italian poetry from the thirteenth century. It is a travel journal, for Dante indeed visited Heaven, Purgatory and Hell.

[JK] Bullshit!

[HL] Joanna, please. This meeting is being recorded for posterity. 

[JK] Don’t lecture me, Harry.

[PW] I understand your reluctance to believe me, doctor. Yet I beg you to hear me out. 

[JK] Fine.

[PW] So, as I was saying, Dante indeed visited God’s other realms. But we are talking about the thirteenth century, when the Church had an iron grip on religious matters. Do you think his tale could have been published without the knowledge, no, the express permission of the Vatican? 

[JK] I admit that sounds unlikely.

[PW] Precisely. Before the publication of his work, Dante travelled to the Vatican to confer with the Pope about his travel and experiences. The tale he told possessed far more detail than what his published poems contain. His Holiness, Pope Boniface VIII immediately had Dante’s past investigated by his most inquisitive priests.

[JK] The inquisitors, yeah?

[PW] Most perceptive. But yes, by the power invested in them by God and his representative on Earth, the inquisitors left no stone unturned to find out the truth. And find out they did. Dante was without sin. Can you imagine that? A man in his thirties, living in the Middle Ages and not having committed any sin at all. None whatsoever.

[JK] I’m trying.

[HL] Stop interrupting him.

[JK] Sorry.

[PW] Further investigations were made. Theological debates raged behind closed doors. Dante was examined by doctors and priests of every kind. They had found nothing that would suggest influence by the Father of Lies. And most importantly, upon demand, Dante could demonstrate his ability to walk between the planes. He was essentially the first infernaut.

[JK] Infernaut? Like an astronaut, but someone who travelled to Hell?

[PW] Precisely. That was most important for us, because knowing our enemy allowed us to better protect the souls of mankind. So we examined Hell with the help of infernauts. Everything Dante had told us was true.

[JK] Let’s pretend I believe your fancy tale, Archbishop. What does all this have to do with our current crisis? Should we do nothing because there’s an afterlife and we’re going to go to Heaven anyway?

[13 seconds of silence]

[PW] I’m afraid that is not the case, doctor Kendler. Heaven is empty. So is Purgatory. Whatever happened since Dante’s time, we now have but a single destination in the afterlife. Thus, our time on Earth is more precious than we could’ve ever imagined.

[JK] Oookay. So we all go to Hell at the end of the day. If it exists, that is. You just made my day, Archbishop. But you still haven’t told us how you wish to make this insane plan of yours work.

[PW] You’ve already seen the schematics for the aetherdrill. That is something that we cannot build on our own, despite the vast resources the Vatican holds.

[JK] That still doesn’t explain it.

[redacted] We will guide it to where it needs to go.

[JK] And you are?

[PW] [redacted] is our primary infernaut. Six successful missions to Hell and back.

[JK] Pulling out all the stops, are we? Okay, so this joker’s been to Hell. It’s supposed to be a big burning pit, no? How does that help us?

[redacted] At the centre of Hell sits Lucifer, the arch-betrayer. His six wings beat relentlessly, freezing the lake Cocytus which surrounds him. He is his own prison guard. Unlike every other part of Hell, the Ninth Circle is a place of eternal cold.

[JK] Hold on, hold on. Are you suggesting we drill down into Hell, right next to Satan and use his wings as a supernatural air conditioner?

[PW] That is what we are indeed proposing.

[JK] Jesus.

[redacted] Do not take His name in vain.